Mad about the Banker Read online

  Tina and Kurt join us around the table and Jacob closes the lid to his laptop. He smiles as though he’s holding back the punch line to a killer joke.

  “Hello!” Mark bellows from beyond the kitchen at what I’m assuming is the front door. I’ve never been so happy to see my brother because maybe his entrance means I’ll be forgotten.

  “Mark, sit,” my mom says, pointing to the chair next to Tina. “Lennon has an announcement.”

  He eyes me. “This should be good,” he says with a laugh and sits down where instructed, placing his hat on the table.

  “It’s not an announcement,” I moan.

  My three brothers all exchange looks.

  “Can we guess?” Mark asks. We both got the sarcasm gene in our family. “Pregnant?”

  “By the priest?” Kurt adds.

  My mom scowls and they all sit back, knowing they’re crossing a line. My family is as Catholic as the Pope. If you know what I mean.

  “Lennon has a business venture and she’s trying to get your brother to invest in her.”

  Kurt and Mark look to Jacob, who widens his eyes: Watch this, Mom’s going to nail her to the cross. Literally.

  “Mom, nothing is set in stone. It can wait until I have more information.”

  She places her hand on my bobbing knee. “Sweetie, if it’s important to you, then it’s important to all of us. We want to support you.” Reverse psychology. She’s good. But every time I fall for it, the judgmental eyes and long sighs happen regardless.

  “Um…” Jacob’s smirk annoys me and I can’t wait to show him how wrong he is about my business. “It’s more of an adult entertainment business.”

  Tina sucks in a breath and her eyes widen.

  “Lennon, prostitution is illegal in the city of San Francisco,” Mark says, and although I’m not entirely sure if he’s joking, I assume he doesn’t think that badly of me.

  Jacob chokes out a laugh before my mom shoots him a warning glare.

  “Adult entertainment,” my mom says with zero enthusiasm.

  “Oh, jeez, Len, I have a bachelor party for a buddy coming up and I don’t want see my sister on the pole.” Tina smacks Kurt across the head.

  “Do you think I would really do that?” I half yell and they all remain silent. Fuck a duck, they do. “Well, if you think I’d sell my body for money, then me starting a sex toy business shouldn’t really surprise you.”

  I stand, my mom’s hand falling from my knee. I need a minute to push back the hurt and the shame so they don’t see it. There’s no way I can look at them right now, but the silence resonating around the table tells me I’ve stunned them. Lennon strikes again.

  When I open the fridge door, my mouth waters for the beer, but I grab a diet soda instead.

  “Sex toys?” my mom asks first, probably confused.

  I turn to face the firing squad.

  “Like the parties?” Tina asks and Kurt’s head whips around to her in a panic, his expression saying, Don’t act like you know anything about those things in front of my mom.

  Mark leans back in his chair, just like Jacob, waiting for the show to begin.

  “Yeah, Mom. Battery-operated toys that help spice up your love life in the bedroom.” That was conservative enough, right? I focus my attention on my sister-in-law. “No, Tina, it’s not a party thing, I’ve actually developed some myself.”

  Her eyes widen, clearly impressed. I feel like saying, Yes, I am smarter than you all give me credit for.

  “Why?” my mom asks and you’d think I just confessed to eating all the hosts for the Christmas Eve Mass.

  “Because it interests me, Mom. Because I use them.” I shrug.

  Her hand covers her heart briefly and I’m surprised that after all these years I can still somehow manage to shock her. She recovers quickly though.

  “If you had a man you wouldn’t need a toy,” she says. “I don’t understand why you can’t be more like your siblings. What happened to you in the womb?” She places her head in her hands and Jacob places his hand on her back while Kurt slides over to where I was sitting to comfort her on the other side.

  All the while Tina eyes me with a Cheshire grin and I know she’ll be hitting me up later for some samples. That right there is why I want to make a success of this business. Women shouldn’t have to feel ashamed that they enjoy sex and want to have it. Besides, there’s a huge market for it and although my mom doesn’t want to admit it, she’d probably have a shit-ton of fun with my products. Not that I want to think about my parents that way because… yuck.

  “Mom,” I sigh, hitting Kurt until he slides over to his original seat and stops kissing Mom’s ass.

  She looks up and there’s no tears, no sign of sadness because this is her. I love her, but she’s dramatic. Even more than me, I sometimes think, and that’s saying something.

  “I’m a good person. I give spare money to homeless people, I allow my elders to walk through doors in front of me, I’m kind and considerate. I support myself with what I earn. The type of businesses I own doesn’t change who I am inside.”

  She nods, but doesn’t believe what I’m saying. All she cares about is what she has to tell her church friends. She has two police officer sons and a banker son, but the tattooed, sex-toy-selling daughter negates the previous three.

  “It’s just… I was just warming up to the tattoo thing.”

  Oh, to be my mother and only worry about dinner on the table at five, a happy husband and bragging to her friends every lunch on the third Thursday of the month.

  “I’m sorry I always disappoint you.”

  It’s true, I am sorry for disappointing her, but I’m not sorry for who I am. That ship sailed when I was thirteen and my date to the school dance tried to corner me in the hallway. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t the preppy, wholesome girl I was always being told I had to portray—I was anything but inside.

  “Listen, I gotta go,” I say and stand. Might be a record—it took less than an hour for me to be uncomfortable enough for me to want to leave.

  “What about Dad’s retirement party?” Mark asks. “Maybe you could do the parting gifts?”

  Jacob coughs out another laugh and Kurt is too busy listening to Tina whisper something in his ear to bother paying attention.

  “Enough. Sit down, Lennon,” my mom says. “You aren’t going anywhere.” She points to the chair and I slump down into it.

  “Maybe we should plan this for another day,” I offer, but her black hair, not unlike my own, is already swishing side to side.

  “Nope. This is the only day we can do it this week. The date is almost here and I want this finalized.”

  So I stay seated. And we talk. Ironically about parting gifts. Instead of anal beads we’re doing boxes of chocolates. Instead of lube, we’re doing small bottles of sanitizer. Good options, for a good Catholic man who worked hard every day of his life.

  “So.” My mom looks at her to-do list and back up to us. “We still need to find a way to get Dad there.”

  No one wants to take responsibility for this because getting my dad out of the house on his day off is about as difficult as luring a lion away from a fresh kill.

  “Why don’t you do it, Ma?” Jacob asks, his computer back up and running since the ‘Lennon’s Disappointing Choices’ show is over.

  “I need to be at the restaurant to set everything up. What about you, Mark?”

  “I’ll be coming right from the precinct. I’m hoping I don’t get stuck,” he says.

  “I’ll talk to the chief,” she says, her pencil back on the paper.

  “Mom,” Mark whines like she said the principal and not his boss. If Mark was the President of the United States I think she’d go to the United Nations. The best thing about my mom is that she’s bold and afraid of no one. Where do they think I got it from?

  “Kurt?” she asks.

  “We have dance for Katie right before and Ethan has baseball. There’ll be no time.”

 
; She looks to Jacob, but he’s armed with an excuse. “It’s my Saturday to work, but I’ll be on time.”

  She huffs. “Okay, well, I guess I’ll have to be the one then. I’ll sort it out.” She scribbles notes on her piece of paper.

  I’d be offended she didn’t think to ask me, but I’m used to it.

  “I can do it,” I offer and a long stream of breath flows out of her mouth. “What?” I can handle driving my dad to a restaurant, for Christ’s sakes.

  “I doubt he wants to go in your monstrosity of a vehicle,” Kurt says.

  “Dad loves my van. He laughed his ass off when I first showed him.”

  My van is wrapped in a design that features a unicorn shitting and puking rainbows. It’s fun and unique and I mean, who has a hate-on for unicorns? Come on. It may be a tad excessive, but the more everyone tries to shove me in that perfect box, the more I claw myself out.

  “In front of all his friends? I doubt it,” Kurt adds.

  “Are you sure you can get him there on time?” my mom asks, every wrinkle she’s earned grooved even deeper in her forehead while she looks on at me.

  “Yes,” I deadpan. “I am a functioning adult.”

  A bunch of sighs ring out over the table. If they aren’t careful, I’m going to call out each one of them on the skeletons they lock in their closets. Maybe Mom would like to know how Kurt used to sneak girls in through the back door after my parents were asleep so they could ‘spend time together’. Or perhaps she’d find it interesting that Jacob used to write his own notes to skip classes so he could hook up with Jessica Townsend?

  “Okay, Lennon, I’m putting you in charge of bringing Dad,” she says with resignation ringing throughout her voice. “We’ll have to have an excuse for it.”

  “How about I just ask him to dinner?” I say.

  “He’d be suspicious,” Mark says. I eye him and he shrugs. “Name the last time you and Dad did something together.”

  I rack my brain, not coming up with anything. “Believe me, I can convince him. I’ll get him there and he’ll be surprised when he walks in. Promise.” I point to each one, prepared for them to make a bet.

  Then Jacob’s phone rings and even with the evil eye from my mother, he still grabs it and begins to walk away from the table.

  “What’s up, Jasper?” he says.

  My stomach tightens, my heart flutters in my chest and I swear my palms sweat.

  “You’re flushed.” My mom touches my forehead with the back of her hand, but I shake my head.

  “I’m fine.”

  It’s near impossible to stay seated in the chair and not be able to hear what Jasper is saying to Jacob. There’s no way Jasper’s figured out that we’re related. I mean, he doesn’t even have my last name. Still, I worry that somehow he knows and the only problem with that is that my brother will inevitably fuck it up for me and it’s still too early. There’s something brewing between Jasper and me and I haven’t had time to figure out how to bring up my business to him.

  While my mind whirls like a tornado, Jacob walks back in the room, his phone already tucked into his pocket.

  “Was your phone call that important?” my mom asks.

  “Sorry, it was my mentor. We’re working on something together.”

  Phew.

  “How is Jasper?” Mark asks.

  “You know him?” I ask and everyone looks over to me, questioning my outburst.

  “We all do,” he says like I’m a dumbass.

  “He came to the house for dinner a few times,” Kurt adds and my shoulders fall.

  “Why wasn’t I invited?” I ask and Jacob’s lips curl.

  “You were too busy,” Jacob adds and then turns his attention to Mark. “He’s good. Actually, he mentioned that he met someone last night.”

  Mark smiles. “That’s awesome.”

  Jacobs nods. “Yeah, but you know Jasper, it would take a lot for someone to truly win him over.”

  “Why?” I ask, interrupting their conversation.

  The two exchange a glance and then turn to look at me again. “He’s not just going to fall for some girl because she spreads her legs for him.”

  “What are you guys talking about?” I ask, but my mom slams her pencil down on the table.

  “That’s enough of that kind of talk, Jacob,” she admonishes. “We’re done here, everyone. I have to get home to your father before he starts to suspect something.”

  We all stand and Jacob packs up his computer. Mark calls into his radio that he’s off lunch. Kurt grabs an orange while Tina rushes to a crying Ethan in the other room.

  I’m still at the table, watching it all in slow motion, hoping someone explains what they were talking about, but everyone ignores me.

  Maybe Jasper just isn’t into committed relationships? Suits me fine.

  Still, five minutes later I’m driving away, my mind still plagued with the thought that there’s more to Jasper than I first thought.

  8

  “I’m returning the pant suit for a dress.” I shove the pant suit into Tahlia’s open arms and walk into her condo, past the living room and down the hall toward the bedroom.

  “Um, okay,” Tahlia says and follows.

  Lucas and Cole are playing Xbox when I pass—somewhat ironically, it’s a boxing game. The two are perched on the edge of the couch, their thumbs pressing the buttons rapidly, and their eyes haven’t strayed from the screen for a second. Who’d think they’re both in their thirties?

  “I’m done watching them play this stupid game.” Whitney rises from her chair and joins us. “What do you need a dress for?” she asks when we reach the bedroom.

  “A date.”

  “Date?” she says in a singsong voice. If I had anything suitable for a dinner and play, there’s no way I’d be here telling them about my date. The last they heard, Jasper was to be my investor, not my date.

  “Yeah.”

  “With who?” Tahlia asks and I shake my head, but she runs and gets in front of her closet doors. “No access unless you give us the password.”

  “Password?” I ask.

  “The name of the guy.” Whitney comes to stand beside me. “Who’s the lucky guy who gets to see you in a dress?”

  Exhausted and probably needing a little advice from my friends, I save us the ten minutes of me trying to weasel my way out of telling them, or me wrestling Tahlia to the ground so I can get into her closet—Lucas and Cole would like it too much. “Jasper.”

  “Jasper Banks?” Whitney’s eyes stretch wide.

  “How do you know?” I ask. But I already know. I turn my head to look at Tahlia, the big mouth.

  “I thought he was going to invest in you. I was excited,” Tahlia defends herself, unblocking the closet doors to allow me through. She drops the pant suit in the pile of shirts on the floor.

  “Hey, I got that dry-cleaned,” I say and a surprised look crosses her face and she scrambles to pick it up.

  “Sorry, I just assumed.” She hangs the outfit up and I see her cringe and exchange a look with Whitney. They might as well put me on the same boat as my family and sail me off to Neverland.

  The two of them sit on the floor while I rummage through Tahlia’s closet.

  “How did you go from ‘invest in me’ to ‘stick it in me?’” Whitney asks and laughs at her own joke.

  “How long have you waited before asking that?” I ask with a smirk.

  “Hey, I’m quick-witted, okay?” Tahlia and I just stare at her and she rolls her eyes. “A few minutes.”

  We laugh and it feels good to release some of my anxiety with laughter. Ever since Jasper texted me last night to let me know where he was taking me, my entire body has been stiff and my mind has been preoccupied. It’s so bad that when I went to yoga class this morning I couldn’t even flirt back with the hot instructor like I usually do.

  “What about this?” I hold up an elegant black dress. It’s nothing like me and not what I would normally wear. Then again, I’ve been
to the theater once in my entire life and it was in high school when Tahlia’s parents invited Whit and me.

  “It really goes with your shirt,” Whit says with a laugh.

  I glance down to my ‘How I Cut Carbs’ t-shirt with a picture of a pizza roller underneath and shrug.

  “Nah. Not you.” Tahlia stands and I hang the dress back up and sit down next to Whitney.

  As Tahlia slides the hangers back and forth, inspecting each dress, Whitney places her arm over my shoulder. “Tell me about him.”

  Whitney and I went to Berkeley together. She saw the one time that I tried to seriously date someone freshman year, only to find out that he had a girlfriend. I’m not sure if Tahlia knows about that or not. I’ve never told her.

  “I don’t know enough yet, but he’s intriguing,” I respond.

  Whitney dips her head and looks at me from under her brows.

  “He’s intense and playful but serious, too. I know nothing about him and what I do know, he doesn’t know I do,” I admit and Whitney’s eyes narrow a bit.

  “He doesn’t know you want him to invest?” she asks.

  I shake my head.

  “Len, are you going to tell him?” I can sense her displeasure.

  “I don’t even know what’s going on with us at this point and I think as soon as I agreed to the date, that was me choosing him over the business, as lame as it sounds.”

  Tahlia stops what she’s doing and studies me for a minute. “You really like this guy.” She looks at me as if I’m some mythical creature she’s only ever heard tell of.

  “I didn’t say that,” I snap, feeling the need to defend myself for some reason.

  “You don’t have to.” Whitney squeezes my shoulder.

  I ignore what they’re saying and try to move the conversation on. “Anyway… I’m not going to pursue him as an investor anymore. I’ll have to figure something else out.” I sound more sure of myself than I feel, but I can’t shake the notion that there’s something between Jasper and me that needs to be explored. I’ve always been a person who goes with her gut and that’s what I’m going to do.